The Account of a Lifetime

October 2, 2008

The Ninth Semester

Filed under: Cogitations,Physics,Tea. Earl Grey. Hot — xisor @ 7:43 pm


It’s all ahead full. The last post was, simply put, a plan for a blog entry which, ultimately, will never be done as planned. Why? Well, I split up with my girlfriend last week and it rocked the boat mentally. I’m not sure how much.

Personally, I feel fine. Lacking, but fine. There’s an…austere happiness about it all. It was a disasterous summer insofar as our relationship was concerned, but I was…aware of it. I knew I was putting in all the effort, I was the only one of two who could…see the iceberg. Whether she willfully ignored it or genuinely didn’t notice it until it was ‘too late’ (and then forget/chose not to bring it up) I’ll really never know.

Not to cast asperions on her, but there’s a fine hatred that comes along with seperating from someone so…emotionally callous. That’s not to say in general, but at least where I’m concerned. But that hatred is…liberating.

Not long agao (end of August) I took a two week break to go to and come back again from Istanbul by train, visiting a fair few places on the way. It was an excellent trip. I found myself realising a profound change in attitude towards drugs (vis. ‘not necessarily bad’ wheras before I’d been of the opinion ‘bad’). I’ve almost no particular impulse to act upon this, but I’m quite aware of how much of a thorn in my ex’s side this was (and due to it how much of one she was for me). This profound change, whilst hardly life altering, knocks out one of the cornerstones which influences my day to day…philosophy. A mellowing, sure.

Right, that’s all very vague. The point I’m getting at is that there’s a small, but fundamental, shift in my opinion. It doesn’t happen very often. It does, however, seem to happen regularly. Once every August for the last two years, to be precise. I’m sure it’s changed often enough before then, but in a big way I’ve only really been able to document since last summer (’07) with ‘open eyes’ due to the dawning significance of rationality in who I consider myself to be.

But really, that’s all very boring.

The Ninth Semester

This time last year, without knowing it, I was entering perhaps the happiest time of my life. This year, I’m entering the most uncertain and, arguably, the most pivotal. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I finished working at David Russel Apartments for the summer at the end of Orientation Week (last week) and since then I’ve been back in a happy-go-lucky free life. Not much responsibility, few classes, no girlfriend. Unfortunately that also comes with no direction, few friends and a lot of direction needed. In the forseeable future I’ve got to get back up to full steam with quantum field theory, foundations of quantum mechanics and group theory (my courses this semester) as well as reacquainting myself with…well, with everything I’ve ever known. It’s PhD, Masters and so forth’s application time, and I’d really like to do something.

The real world, you see, terrifies me. I’ve little ability for small talk, little interest in idly chatting and little skill in chatting even about things I’m interested in. By the same token, I find teamwork, making friends, bonding and so-forth to a brilliant experience. A job, as such, would be excellent. The downside is that I’m not sure I want one. Not a proper, serious, dedicated job.

As you can see right there, I need to focus. To overcome such trivial worries and really think about my direction. For now, however, I’ll settle with returning to tea, my Foundations of Quantum Mechanics notes and perhaps a jaunt to Tesco to buy a little alcohol. Yes, that’s a perfect idea.


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